For more than 17 years after that, I had trouble even saying the “G-“ word.  I avoided conversations in which “G-“ was part.  I didn’t go to church.  I even cringed with fear when I stepped foot in a church. 

I found myself attracted to Psychology and Self-help classes and books to make sense of myself and the world outside me.

I developed my intellect by getting a Bachelors degree in Integrated Social Sciences and a Masters degree in Teaching English.  I learned a second language (Spanish) while living in Mexico for two years and immersing myself in the culture.

I excelled physically in sports.           

I worked hard and was successful at work.

When it came to mastery of my outer world, I was by most standards very successful.

But, when it came to inner emotional and spiritual issues, it was another story. 

I was very inadequate, underdeveloped, even shut down.

It took a divorce at age 35 to open me to the emotional and spiritual aspects of my Self.  I was a babe emotionally and my connection with a power greater than myself was almost non-existent.  I say “almost”, because it was probably that power greater than myself that gave me the strength and courage to befriend my emotional immaturity and squashed spirituality.  My perception of spirituality had been colored by hypocrisy, guilt, righteousness, closed mindedness, missionary zeal, etc. of fundamentalist religion.

Instead of denying my emotional immaturity and spiritual abuse, I decided to do some real soul searching and healing.  And, I made five agreements with myself:

1)     I choose to be absolutely honest with myself and others.  No lies, no exaggerations, no justifying or defending, no denying the truth.

2)     I choose to befriend my inner demons, those ugly, often shame-filled, parts of me that I didn’t want to face or admit to myself.

3)     I choose to go slow to go fast.  This means proceeding one step at a time, which leads to moving faster later on.  In the present moment, make one decision at a time.  Feel my emotions one at a time.  I choose to allow myself to share my vulnerability with others.  Viewed from a maturity and healing apex, my vulnerabilities are truly my greatest strengths.

4)     I admit that I can’t do it all by myself.  I need help from others, the universe and a power greater than myself. 

These four commitments and support from others and my Higher Self have helped me open my heart and soul to begin to heal emotionally and spiritually.  

In my inner journey to greater balance, I’ve found that I am a very spiritually curious person.  I honor everyone’s connection, or lack thereof, with a power greater than themselves.  My life is filled with much more “ease”, “joy”, “flow” and real “intimacy”.   As I purify my body and mind, a stronger connection with Spirit happens, almost magically.

Now, I don’t cringe with I hear the “G-“ word anymore.  It took a while, though. 

In fact during my experience of learning Tantra, the art of Sacred Sexuality, I came across a card in 1994 which read, “Namasté…  In India when they meet and part, they often say ‘Namasté’, which means ‘I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides.  I honor the place in you of love, of light, of peace.  I honor the place within you where if you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us.

A far cry from the male God outside me.